This Story is about my rainbow baby Apollo.
A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss of a baby, so I guess my story starts with Alex, the baby I lost.
At 16 weeks pregnant,
I went to see the midwife for my check up, you know the standard ones you get. I had only see her a few days before hand and baby was doing great, good heart beat, this time I was going to get sorted with some forms. As it happens my partner had a day off work so he came along to hear the baby’s heart beat.
We got to the doctors, all was going well, joking on. I laid on the bed and lifted my top off to show my tiny bump, the midwife put the gel on but there was nothing, no sound. Now sometimes you don’t get to hear babies at 17 weeks, it’s not uncommon. I looked at my midwives face and I knew it wasn’t right, I could see it in her. She suggested that she pay me a visit the next day and try again, or try to the hospital and see if they could find a heartbeat.
I phoned the hospital up, explained and they told me to come down and see them. I sat in the waiting room with ladies with huge bumps and chatted to a few about my due date, names we thought off. The time came for us to go in.
The midwife said “baby’s at this gestation tend to hide, don’t worry” she tried to find a heartbeat but there was none. The next midwife came in, she tried, nothing.
All along there saying don’t worry, baby will be tucked away, but 3 midwives and no heartbeat? I started to cry.
The hospital was amazing and set up a scan within the hour.
Were now in the room,
ready for the scan, my partner holding my hand, midwife who started to care for us stood by us, the screen comes on. I knew, I could see right away before any words were spoken I just seen my baby curled up into a little ball. The sonographer said to me, “I can tell you what I don’t see, and that’s a heartbeat, I so very sorry” we all cried.
He had died only a day before, I had to go home at that point to process it. My poor little baby, I felt so utterly heartbroken and so sorry for him, I couldn’t protect him. I went back to hospital the next day and took the 1st pill, the one that lets my body know my baby died. At that point my body had no clue.
Back in hospital to give birth,
Two days later I went back again to give birth. I went in to the delivery suite and was supported by staff and partner and family, I even phoned my best friend for support. The 1st pessary went in, the pains started, they weren’t too bad. The 2nd pessary went in, then the pain got more intense, I had gas and air at this point.
My waters broke, bloody, I don’t know why this shocked me, it just did. The contractions were coming stronger, then I felt my baby, I felt his warm body push out of my body with the contraction, then his head. I could feel the cord still there and I had to push out the placenta, that was the hard part!
The midwife said don’t look, it’s best you don’t look, I regret that, I wished I seen him properly, held him, but I never.
That was it! I had my baby, a baby boy, who we named Alex. We don’t know why Alex died, nothing was wrong when all the test results came back, everything looked normal. I have a memory box, I have photographs of his hands and feet, his scan photographs. I don’t know if I’m ready to share those yet or not? Maybe in time I will be.
The miscarriage association were a great help to me at this time. http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
Now my Rainbow was conceived and cooking away!
A Rainbow baby
There are things people don’t tell you about a rainbow baby, the biggest thing is the constant fear of losing them.
Each day I sat there grabbing my bump saying, please don’t die, please don’t die, I doubted every kick, is it a kick or is it just wind? You see when Alex died, and I knew he was dead. I could still feel him move, I was sure I could feel him, move, I could feel him inside of me. So I doubted every movement from Apollo, is this real?
I got a home doppler, they tell you not too, but I did. This was the best thing at keeping my mind at rest.
Every scan, every check up I get cold, sick, filled with fear. I also had more scans, I wanted to see my baby alive, I wanted to know if my baby was ok.
The pregnancy was hard. Apollo was born healthy, in my arms and alive!
To be updated.